March 1st

I have been a little bit lazy with posting lately. It was one of those weird weeks where some days I felt pretty good, but then other days, I felt like I was really struggling and lacking motivation. I got really down on myself for feeling like I did a bad job at being upbeat and positive, which ended up making me feel worse. You'd think I'd understand the cycle and that getting upset about it only makes it worse, but here we are. I'm sure it didn't help that this week was an anniversary week. I always remember dates that things happened- whether good or bad. February 26th was one year ago that my grandma died. I still don't feel like I have even begun to process her passing. Some days I still want to call her, or go over and see her at the nursing home. I could talk to her about anything; she wasn't judgmental and I knew that whatever I told her would stay between us.

The other anniversary was March 1st. Nothing to do with dad this time... it was 2 years since my suicide attempt. I didn't know how to feel about it. It is a date I'll always remember, but do I recognize it every year? Do I think back to March 1st of 2017 and celebrate that I am not at that place any more? It gave me a really weird feeling. As I said in my "Light of the Seven" post, a few days before my attempt, I went to the Game of Thrones Live Experience with my friend, Kate. She sent me a picture from her Facebook memories when we were at the concert and it made me cry. It was a good picture of us, and I'm not mad at all that she sent it. I remember that day and every day leading up to my attempt very vividly and it is weird how even though it has been years since that happened, I'm still able to remember all the feelings and exactly what it felt like.

Grandma and Vivienne

I also inevitably ask all the "what if" questions even though I know that I'll never have answers to them. What if I never did this? Would my dad still be alive? What would my life be like? Would I ever have gotten the help that I needed? Or would I have kept getting worse and then have made an attempt later? My dad's depression was never in any way evident to us until after my suicide attempt and so many people tell me that his suicide wasn't my fault, but I don't think anyone will be able to fully convince me of that. Obviously we have a family history of depression and anxiety, and people say that he probably had some underlying issues that he never showed us. I truly don't think that he would have gone from completely healthy to taking his life in 8 months if there wasn't a severe triggering event for him, and that triggering event was my suicide attempt, so I wont ever believe that his death was in no way my fault. One of the first things I said after Jenn told me about my dad was "this is my fault" but she and Pastor Willard quickly told me, "No, its not."

As I'm typing this, it is starting to make more sense why this week was so "off" for me. I don' think I know how to process through the guilt that I feel because any time I have brought it up- whether to my friends, family or my therapists- they all immediately say something along the lines of "you know that's not true". I know why they say it, and I would probably have that response to anyone who was in my situation, but I think that this date will probably always bring up the question for me of "what if...". Would the people that I love so much still be in my life today? I won't ever have that answer, but that doesn't stop me from asking.

Always a daddy's girl

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