Small Steps

Sometimes when I think about my anxiety or depression, I get overwhelmed. I think of the things or situations that could make me anxious or depressed and I begin to wonder if I'll ever be able to handle dealing with them if they pop up. I know that I'll probably never fully be free of anxiety or depression, but it is possible that I will be able to work through things that once affected me so badly. A lot of my anxiety revolves around my relationships - family, friends, work, or romantic. I think a lot of this has to do with my personality type. I know I've written about the Meyers Briggs test and being an introvert before, but the more I read about being an ISFJ, the more validation I get that some of these things that I thought were so wrong about me are actually quite normal for someone with my personality type.

One thing multiple people have mentioned to me before is that I care too much about what others think of me. This is true; I can't deny it at all and I'm beginning to understand that there are multiple factors that have fed into this mindset. First of all, as the youngest child, my 2 older sisters have (generally) always been closer to each other than they were to me. I noticed this from a very early age and it always made me feel a little left out. I would imagine that this is not a rare occurrence when there are an odd number of siblings. I also remember that as a kid, I never quite fit in with any specific group of friends. At school, there was the popular group of girls, the well behaved group and the "bad" group. I did not fit well into any one of these groups- sometimes I'd be allowed to hang out with the popular ones, but not all the time. Generally I ended up playing soccer or football with the boys at recess and I of course never fully fit in with them either.

Those events as a kid really shaped my mindset and as I grew up, I continued to feel like it was reinforced that I was never fully part of the group. I went to Christian school through 7th grade and switched over to public school in 8th grade. Since I was completely obsessed with soccer as a kid, I played all year around and got to know a lot of girls through my local club teams. I was always the different one because aside from 1 other girl on the team, everyone went to public school but me. When I switched to Warwick in 8th grade, which was right in the middle of Middle School years, it was a tough adjustment. I did have the few girls I knew from soccer, but that is when I started to understand that sometimes being friends during sports, doesn't mean that you're friends at school. Most of the groups that existed at my small Christian school were the same at public school on a larger scale. It doesn't help that most people at that age are super awkward and trying to figure themselves out. Oh, and middle school kids when I was that age do NOT look like middle school kids now. We didn't have cell phones, Facebook or Instagram, or any influencers to help us figure out how to dress and do makeup.

How does this translate to me now? I think I have an innate need to feel accepted and liked because for so long that is what I craved. There is a certain anxiety I have when meeting new people or being in a large group because whether I want to or not, I worry if they will like me. I think many people have this worry deep down even if they don't admit it or notice it. It's not something that affects me like it did when I was younger and more insecure, but the problem happens when someone who I care about seems to express negative feelings towards me. If someone is upset or stops talking to me, I take it very personally and want to fix the situation right away. Often it isn't even that someone doesn't WANT to talk to me, I have that perception in my head because I assume the worst. This used to make my anxiety go through the roof and I would have a hard time focusing on anything else until the situation was fixed or resolved. I also used to get physically sick to my stomach and it would take a lot to calm down. Obviously, we all have times in our lives where someone we care about is upset with us, doesn't feel like talking, or they are just busy and the situation cannot be resolved quickly.

I have known for a while that is a huge problem I struggle with and for so long I didn't know what to do about it. It has been a big focus for me in going to therapy because I know that I need to be able to handle things that make me uncomfortable and still function in daily life. I have noticed moments over the past weeks and months that are normal triggers for my anxiety. However, it doesn't have the extreme, negative effect on me that it used to. I still do feel a physical reaction, but not as intense. I still have the urge to fix or resolve the situation immediately, but I am better able to regulate how I handle it. It may not seem like a big deal to a person who doesn't deal with anxiety, but for any of you out there who have dealt with anxiety, when you conquer a situation that used to make you lost it, it feels pretty darn good. 😁💪🏻💪🏻🎉🎊

Enjoying Jenny Lake in the Grand Tetons

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